Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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