Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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