Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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