You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
