any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
