I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
