just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
