Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
