lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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