Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
