I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
