Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
