Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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