As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
