I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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