I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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