dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize