i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
