woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
