WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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