His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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