someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I wear drunk well.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
