I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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