How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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