I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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