I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
