Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
