Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
