so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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