So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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