the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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