I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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