Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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