Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
