I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
