Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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