You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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