Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
