god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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