Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
