My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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