I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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