I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
