There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
