I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
