I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
