Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
