How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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