Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
