I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
