We won't sleep together?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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