If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
