I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
