sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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