woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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