somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
