So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
