i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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