Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
