If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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