My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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