I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
