"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
